The other day, I decided I could use a new pair of underwear. ( I'm not really sure why they are referred to as a "pair" when clearly there is only one….unless it implies that my butt is so big that it really needs "a pair" to cover it....... but I digress)
Now I have to tell you, I HATE shopping - unless it's for craft supplies, so for me, it was already bordering on a less than fun experience. Really, is there anything worse than trying to imagine if all of you will fit into what little there is of that?
So - after agonizing over which one of the two pair I had picked out to buy, I decided to get both of them and get out of the store as soon as I could. I had already spent 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back! I quickly headed to the check-outs.
I hate it when the check-out girls hold them up before they fold them to put them in the bag, as if to wonder "Who is she kidding - she will never fit into these!"
Grateful this experience was over, my underwear tucked securely and discretely in my plastic store bag, I hurried out of the store....but not before I set the alarms off……you know the ones I mean - the ones that seem to scream "Stop Thief!" and everyone turns to see who tried to steal what.....
As if the whole experience had not dragged on long enough already, the male security at the door pulled my underwear out of the bag and began examining them, while the "Stop Thief!" alarm continued to sound.
After what seemed like forever, the alarm stopped, only to have him wave the underwear at the alarm and set it off again! This required further exam, because something about these underwear must be making the "Stop Thief!" alarm go off.
I was mortified…..turning several shades of red…thinking - all I wanted was a pair of underwear……..plain, cotton, nothing "Hot" enough to set off any alarms! Will this ever end?
Finally security decided he was not going to figure out why my underwear set off the alarm, and he stuffed them back in the bag, let me pass through the barrier, alarms still sounding…
All I could think about as I left the store and laughed - "there ought'a be a card for this….."